好久不见!

One of the downsides of having such a cleverly specific name to a blog appears to be the hesitation of being unwilling to blog about anything unrelated. Either I'll get over it, or it will take another nine months for me to post again. I suppose we shall all see. 


I am slowly learning I will never be able to let go of China. People would ask me all the time if I planned on moving back to China and my answer was always no. Psychology is my passion and psychology, in English, tends to be easiest to find a job in English speaking countries. Chinese has basically been seeping out of my brain word by word due to it's lack of use. 


Surprise! 


My suitmate was switched last minute and to my pleasant surprise, my suitmate is now a Chinese freshmen. 
Friday was my first day of high school observations for the semester and to my pleasant surprise, a Chinese exchange student from Beijing was also experiencing his first day at Walker Valley. 


My fiance and I have been discussing what to do after graduation. Our plans currently include this: do something exciting for two years before hitting the books again. Exciting place, exciting food, exciting experiences, exciting challenges, closet size apartment and any job that will start paying off student loans. Surprise! Fiance has been bringing up China a lot. Between connections I already have in China and the connections we've made at school, it wouldn't be hard; and it will be a great adventure. Which is all we're looking for - adventure. 


On top of this, I had let go of teaching Psychology at a high school. Sadly, no one wants to hire just a Psychology teacher. Instead, they let the coaches teach it.  
Last week, one of the professors told me about how it would be possible to get licensed to teach Chinese at a high school level by only taking a few classes and then take the Praxis in it. Being licensed to teach Chinese would make me more valuable to a high school - even if they are two random classes not always taught. This would greatly increase the probability of me getting a job as a high school teacher. 


Currently, plans are a swirling mess or confusion hovering above my head. It's not overwhelming and it's not oppressive. It's just there. Every time I think I know where life is headed, something else shows up and makes me question everything I've put in the unavailable box. 


God, you've left my heart seeking and questioning and I pray for the strength to keep options open. I have a Beijing sized hole in my heart and I am waiting to figure out how it will fill up. 

Year of the Rabbit

Tonight China will be filled with colors, leaving trails of red paper throughout the streets. Families will focus not only on the past, but also on the future and the ways in which they can secure prosperity for generations to come.

While I won’t be able to join in the many scrumptious festivities of Spring Festival, I will be having some of my friends over to celebrate. We’re going to have jiao zi, Jay Chou, white rabbits, and fu characters everywhere. It should be fantastic.

A few days ago a friend of mine asked how I decide how much of China to share with people. To be honest, I had never sat down and thought about it and began to examine the delicate balance of being open about my life and not overwhelming people with my life experiences.

I can easily say I have yet to master this skill.

There are still days where all I want to do is experience China. I let random Chinese words slip. I crave Chinese food. Drink green tea. I even stand too close to people. But the days where I’m comfortable with America are getting more and more frequent. I’m finally getting the flow of things.

In talking to my friend about this balance, the idea of shared experiences came to mind. The more and more shared experiences I gain in the States made it easier and easier to maintain a relationship and a conversation. Shared experiences allow for a flow in conversation that doesn’t require you to go back and explain circumstances which allow the story to make sense. China stories sometimes involve some lengthy explanations. Unfortunately, in my case this leads to incoherent narrative and people fail to even understand the basic story I was attempting to tell. Every shared experience gives you something to talk about and something to connect you not only to the relationship but also to a cultural event.

My biggest fears are that it will seem like I’m bragging or that I’m unrelatable. Experiences that may feel so normal to me can feel so strange to others (and the other way around). When I share stories from my time in China it is because I want the person I’m speaking with to be able to understand another part of who I am. My stories are simply pieces of my life I’m choosing to illuminate. And yet when I share stories, I many times feel I have to edit the story to include as little of what made the experience worth sharing as possible. Those elements that made it unique stick in the persons ears and their eyes turn to a giant Communist flag and they don’t hear the part about me. I want people to hear me in my stories. I want people to know I’m not trying to be special, but am instead trying to relate.

Tomorrow my goal is to showcase my love of Chinese culture in a way that will allow those I have chosen to be a part of my life to love what I love. I want them to understand a little bit more of who I am and the culture I was surrounded by. I want them to see the Chinese have their traditions and preferences and strange taste in music just like those in America do. I want them to see a little of China through my actions, and keep the fireworks on the screen instead of blocking their vision due to unknowns.

再见, 亲爱的